I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
