sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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