Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
