it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
