so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
