Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
