New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
