You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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