sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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