even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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