When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
