I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
