I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
