Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
