Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
