Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
