Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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