her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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