party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
