Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
