i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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