HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
