When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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