you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
