I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
