Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
