Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
