i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
