we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
