i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We need to get me chipped asap
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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