I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize