Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
