My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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