Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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