I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
