i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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