I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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