so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
