I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
