what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
