when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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