I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
