yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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