just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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