Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
