Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
