I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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