I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
