i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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