i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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