it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
