Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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