i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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