I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
