idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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