Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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