I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
