I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
