I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
