I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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